If you haven’t yet had the time to read David Brooks’ heartbreaking discussion on losing a friend to suicide, we at The Foundation highly recommend taking your next opportunity to do so. You can read the article by clicking here. Mr. Brooks’ column encapsulates a number of different themes and concerns that we are seeing on the front lines of our battle with depression, suicide and hopelessness, and further is an uncompromising assessment of what to do and what not to do for a friend in need.
The entire focus of our Foundation is that everyone – you, me, family members, students, peers, teachers – have a responsibility to those around us. Furthermore, we want to train all of those people listed here on what to do when someone does reach out for help. No suicide prevention program is 100% effective, and because of that we need to make sure that everyone has multiple touch-points and opportunities to get the care that they need, and to ensure that no one slides through the cracks.
Beyond that takeaway, Mr. Brooks’ highlights some really important things for us to remember, and these are all things that The Foundation is addressing directly.
1. Outward perceptions of success don’t matter when it comes to suicide.
“He seemed, outwardly, like the person in my circle least likely to be afflicted by a devastating depression, with a cheerful disposition, a happy marriage, a rewarding career and two truly wonderful sons, Owen and James. But he was carrying more childhood trauma than I knew, and depression eventually overwhelmed him.”
We are seeing these same concerning elements in Fort Worth, with lawyers, doctors and other professional groups reaching out to us for more training and support over the last few months. The truth is that depression can hit anyone; money, position, power and status are all irrelevant to depression, trauma and need. For these reasons, we make sure that our screening approaches do not make assumptions that people are fine because they have a good job, a family or otherwise “appear” to be okay. We still have to ask the tough questions and be ready to act when people answer.
2. We don’t need to pretend to be therapists.
“At first, I did not understand the seriousness of the situation. That’s partly temperamental. Some people catastrophize and imagine the worst. I tend to bright-icize and assume that everything will work out. But it’s also partly because I didn’t realize that depression had created another Pete. I had very definite ideas in my head about who Pete was, and depression was not part of how I understood my friend.”
and
“In the beginning, I made the mistake of trying to advise him about how he could lift his depression…It’s only later that I read that when you give a depressed person advice on how to get better, there’s a good chance all you are doing is telling the person that you just don’t get it.”
The training that we provide at The Foundation is all about getting a person who is struggling to the best possible authority who can help them. It isn’t about solving every problem or even giving practical advice beyond helping the other person connect with the people they need to connect with. Our role does not need to be making everything better; it should be standing with others and ensuring they know they are not alone.
3. Depression and suicide tell lies.
“[Mike Gerson] talked about the lying voices that had taken up residence in his mind, spewing out their vicious clichés: You are a burden to your friends, you have no future, no one would miss you.”
We see this time and time again. The lies that suicide tells are loud, and they can seem overwhelming, but they are still lies. Each year at our luncheon nearly 1000 people come together to dispute those lies, as they or someone who they love has been affected by those lies. This is always a time of sadness, and it is also a clear reminder that we fight against an enemy that is not fair and is unrelenting.
But it is also a time of hope, because the people who come together in that room believe there is a better way forward. They believe there are things that they can do to help others, and they put their hope and faith into action each and every day.
We often hear tales of sadness like Mr. Brooks’ at the Foundation. But recently, we hear more tales of Hope – the local family practitioner’s office that decided to train every single one of their employees in QPR. The commitment of local groups like the Mental Health Connection to highlight the work of The Foundation. The students who turned to a Hope Squad member and asked for help in a time of dire need, or the Hope Squad member who saw a social media post explaining plans for a suicide and knew what to do to save a life. Hope is all around, and you can be a part of it. To find out what you can do for your school, business or community, reach out to Kristi Wiley at k.wiley@jehfoundationfw.org, and help a friend in need.
- Matt
